How to write a divorce letter?

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.

I've been a good man to you for 27 years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me any more; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER Carla and I are moving away to Wales together! Have a great life!

Her letter:

Dear Ex -Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you and I have been married for 27 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much to try to drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me 'not to say anything if you can't say something nice', I didn't comment. When you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.

About those new silk boxers:  I turned away from you because the £49.99 price tag was still on them and I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed £50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million pounds, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to Seychelles, but when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a penny from me.

So take care.

Signed,

Your Ex-Wife,

Rich as Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem. 

BUT Seriously, if you have any divorce or family queries please contact us for friendly expert advice.

         

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5 Minute Management Course - Lesson 5

Your final lesson...........................

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy... A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. ...
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy...

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

5 Minute Management Course - Lesson 4

A turkey was chatting with a bull.  'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'   

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.  It's full of nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch....

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: 

Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...

Look out for the next and final unmissable management lesson.

5 Minute management Course - Lesson 3

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'  The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' 

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Look out for the next unmissable management lesson.

5 Minute Management Course - Lesson 2 :

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'   

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'  Poof! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.'  Poof! He's gone.

'OK, you're turn,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story: 

Always let your boss have the first say.

Look out for the next unmissable management lesson.

5 Minute Management Course - Lesson 1 :

A priest offered a Nun a lift...

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.....

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.   The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.  It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story: 

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

 Look out for the next unmissable management lesson